$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).
Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.
P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
I'm Not Old Yet!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
VALENTINE'S Day CARDS and MORE
Seems I'm getting ready early but thought I'd better post before I get too busy and forget again....Here’s a whole bunch of free printable Valentine’s Day cards and more, found on the internet. These are not just for kids, but for us big people too. Check them out and see what you can come up with for your valentine. Also remember to Put on your pop up blocker (what can I say, Most freebies have pop ups). Get your printer ready and print to your hearts content. (lol!) Happy Valentines! - Grandma Peaches
Crazy For Design Superhero Valentine Cards - Fun for the Superhero in your life.(PDF FILE)
Mmm Crafts! Wood you B Mine? Valentine card - Features a Squirrel on a wood looking card.
DLTK's Printable Valentine's Day Cards
Several variety of cards that Includes favorites such as Blues Clues, Pokemon, PowerPuff Girls, SpongeBob and more.
DLTK's custom Cards - custom make your own cards.
DLTK's Money Cards - for that special someone. Go to Custom cards for the valentine theme.
Free Printable Valentines. Net Valentine Cards - You must accept the Terms of Use and then push the button to print out on PDF format
Activity Village Printable Valentine's Day Cards - With Angels, Bears, monster and Hearts. .(PDF FILE) There are more from this site. Gingham heart Valentine Cards ; and Mini Valentine Cards .(PDF FILE)
Valentine’s day cards - Large variety of Valentine’s day cards to choose from.
MES Free Printable Valentine's Day Cards - A large selection of Customizable cards
Creativity Portal Printable Valentine's Day Cards .(PDF FILE)
Hoover Web design Printable Valentines Day Card Template .(PDF FILE)
Free Printable . Com Printable Valentines - Several variety of customizable cards , Quarter fold cards, Recipe cards, and more.
Free Kids Crafts - Printable Valentine Cards - Six “Be Mine” cards with hearts
Tip Junkie Printable Vintage Valentine - Vintage looking Valentine’s Greetings a Bird sending message.
Free Valentine Day Cards For Print - These cards look like postcards.
Fresh Home free valentine’s day card printable - (PDF FILE) Vintage looking Valentine’s Greetings with Birds and hearts
Buttoned Up Free Printable Valentine’s Day Cards - You are the … Milk to my cookies, Peanut butter to my jelly, bacon to my eggs, coffee to my doughnut. Cute!
Disney Family Fun Printable Valentine's Day Cards - Several adorable valentines to print. There is more on this site for Valentines. Puppy Photo Card for Mom Heart Pop-Up Card Cupid Card for Valentine's Day Printable Valentine's Day Cards Puppy Card for Valentine's Day
Cards to Print Conversation Hearts for Valentine's Day
Printable Valentine's Day Cards - as well as black and white cards that you can color… Valentine's Day Card to Color Valentine's Day Cards to Print also a Valentine's Day Card Holder
Printable Valentine Cards for Kids - vintage looking cards with Kittens.
MAKING FRIENDS Printable Valentine’s day cards and more
Sometimes it takes just that special touch… These Valentine’s come in a variety of useable items
Such as : BOOKMARKS
Valentine Bookmarks from Activity VillageDLTK's customized Bookmarks just like the cards you can make your own for Valentine's.
Owl Valentine Bookmarks from Living Locurto
Family Portal Valentine’s Bookmark Cards
Family Shopping Bag Mickey’s Valentine bookmarks and while you’re here pick up other valentine bookmarks.
PAPER DOLLS
Paper Dolls for Kids has Valentine clothing you can print out with your doll to give to that special little girl.
Joan Walsh Anglund Valentine paper dolls - That lucky little girl will love these.
Free Printable Paper Doll Valentine - This is a restored version of a circa 1960 Valentine, copyrighted by Forget-Me-Not Publishing
Millie the Paper Doll - Millie the Mouse has a Valentine’s day outfit.
Vintage Valentine Paper Doll Postcard Printable
Polly Pratt had a valentine Give it time to load on the Wayback machine.
Valentine Paper dolls from the Rice Babies
Friday, January 13, 2012
AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's how the fight started…
****
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." And that's how the fight started...
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" said my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started...
****
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started...
Where do Red-Headed babies come from????
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
ONLY PEOPLE WITH PETS WOULD FULLY UNDERSTAND
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the least.
The stairway was not designated by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To all Non-pet owners who visit & like to complain about our pets
1. They live here. You do not
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't hang out with drug using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
And... 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.
Dear Dogs and cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the least.
The stairway was not designated by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To all Non-pet owners who visit & like to complain about our pets
1. They live here. You do not
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't hang out with drug using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
And... 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play with it, Pee on it and walk away.
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!
*Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
* Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
*Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
*Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
*Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
* Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
*Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
*Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
*Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
*Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
*Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
* Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
*Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
*Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
*Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
* Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
*Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
*Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
*Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
*Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
*Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
These are Memphis, TN's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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